left over but not left behid

the harder you push the further it may get, but its not end of everything..I may left over but totally not behind..just need space and fresh air so I can bounce back again much stronger and more competitive..Its not happen for the first time, and Im not taking it lightly each time it happen..but whatsoever written behind it im ready to accept the fact that Im not gonna make it this time.and the one to blame was myself and hope my pray and effort can fruit success next time..

soklan yg tak dapat dijawab a.k.a mmg xde jawapan..

di keakhiran ni sume begitu jelas dan ketara...dan sampai sekarang pun masih dalam keraguan..kepastian yang di cari seakan tiada..apapun, semua berakhir dengan cara yg tak sepatutnya tapi masih boleh bersyukur sebab hingga saat akhir ini dapat lagi aku berfikir dengan waras dan rasional.pasal soalan tu sampai sekarang pun tak ada jawapan yang setimpal dan membolehkan semua persoalan itu di jawab dan jawapan itu memang tak ada dan takkan ada..jadi persoalan tu akan kekal sebagai satu persoalan..dan biar ia terhenti di situ.tak perlu dibangkitkan lagi..dan aku masih percaya soalan itu semakin dilupakan dan aku pun dah lupa kalau2 ada jawapan..tapi ternyata tak ada jawapan yang memuaskan..tapi still bersyukur sebab soalan tu tak ada dalam exam aku hari tu..cuma hari yang mendatang pasti akan ada soalan yang sama..dan harus mula dipikirkan dari sekarang jawapan..dan yang pasti aku ada jawapan tapi tak bertepatan dengan kehendak soalan..

persoalan demi persoalan,

tapi bukan jawapan yang dicari,

tapi menjawab keraguan,

memberi kepastian,

mengelak kekeliruan,

menghapus kesangsian...

namun bukan semua ada jawapan..

hari ni..mlm tadi...

ntah lor nk kate bad day or good day..berita baik or berita buruk..anyway..happy for u..really ensem boy..no wonder la..da xyah jln kaki..da xyah naik bus..da xyah susah g..wishing u all d happiness n greatness dat destiny for both of you..n mlm ni aku lepak dgn shah..ahaha..luah perasaan, da xde tmpat nk bercerita..kawan saya mogok sebab die ckp sy invi..sy invi bersebab..nk jaga pandangan mata org len..ahaha..n to my dear "saya masih single"..bkn im not single...ngee...sal dia, sy xdeclared pe2 g n menyebabkn sy mendapat komitmen yg xsepatutnya..feedback diperlukan dengan kadar segera..n dear mlm ni sy sgt sedey tp sy xnk ckp sal 2 n sy xde tmpat bercerita td..sy tgk bola dgn mata yg berair..sekian sude..

entah lorr..

dalam sayang ada benci
tapi bila hilang kebencian
hilanglah rasa sayang..

"what I'm wrote not supposedly reflect how I'm feeling..

love playing with words.."

love & hate..

Totally 2 different things, totally going against each other..hate can exist before love..so do love...but what brought us here not hate,..love..and after my history lesson today, hehe..i should made it clear..that I'm not going against anyone even someone from my past..no matter how hard I'm suffer before..I like be myself, no matter how people hate me and going against me..I'm not going do the same..Hate just bring more damage to my life and I think I did enough damage already..

there more about life...

Finally back at my best, there nothing going make me annoyed and I'm not regret anymore for what happend. Before i take all the blame myself and it make me really depressed but not anymore..there thousand reasons why I should keep my head up high. I give everything and my best for things I did before..so don't blame me if I feel being treated unfair..That not the real problem, I'm depend too much on other person for my happiness and now I create my own. Sincerely, no more grudge and hard feeling..I'm wrong???I admit I did wrong thing in the past, but not now...I'm happy the way I am now..Upset??Sorrow??There no place for such things in my life right now, I'm busy with my own things and things that I never had chance doing before...there more about life and there more things I want try..I want new adventure and new challenge...hope it awaiting me in future...so there no need for bbb, right dear???yerxxxxx....

syawal...kerinduanku...

syawal satu kerinduanku...malam ni aku tido lewat lg..tolong mama siapkan santapan esok..kesian lak tengok die sorang2 kat dapur...adik2 lain sume da tido..penat siapkan persediaan untuk sok..aku rindu dengan arwah atuk..sok masa semayang raya mesti aku terbayang dia kat mimbar bacakan khutbah..dan masih lagi aku terbayangkan dia mengimamkan solat sunat aidilfitri..rasa cam semalam jer..sok aku mesti ziarahi pusara atuk..aku janji..balik ni lasngsung takde kesempatan aku nak ke sana..al-fatihah untuk atuk...malam ni aku sempat berbual panjang dengan rakan karib aku..semua yang aku hdapai aku ceritakan padanya..walaupun penat drive still bley dengar masalah aku..thankz..ko la sahabat aku dunia akhirat..pada kesempatan ni aku susun sepuluh jari..pohon kemaafan...mungkin aku dah buat kesalahan pada korg dan buat korg terasa ati..maafkan la saya..saya tak sengaja dan kadang2 keadaan yang memaksa saya buat cam2...sama2 la kita bermaafaan..salam adilfitri..takley nak celoteh panjang lagi..nak kena turun g dapur..

psstt...

Just waiting my turn doing presentation..the last one for today...and more important just few hours left before going back to Mache...just keep myself buzy looking people surround me..most of them get something to do..so why keep bugging othe people business..better keep my calm and wait for my turn...tommorow I'm going to meet my mama and abah, my little sister mimi and angah will be home this Friday..miss them all...and tonight I'm going to break fast with my fellow Kelantanese at Padang Jawa,..see you guys tonight...

I'm off to my hometown..

Menghitung detik untuk pulang ke kampung...satu perasaan rindu dan tak sabar2 nak bertemu abah dan mama...Esok ada presentation pagi dan petang tapi semua tu tak menggusarkan lagi dan semua masalah yang terbeban rasa macam terhapus..semua kerisauan dan kegelisahan selama terhapus...di kesempatan ni pada kawan yang membaca saya menyusun sepuluh jari dengan seikhlas hati saya memohon kemaafaan atas kesalahan dan dosa2 saya..pada kawan baik saya yg selalu disalah ertikan oleh semua orang..miss aina...fiq mintak maaf banyak2..selamat hari raya dear..thankz jadi pendengar bebelan dan ratapan fiq..to all my housemate, sidae, iwan, badai, shah, amin, faizal dan apex..selamat hari raya...maaf zahir batin guys..Tak lupa buat semua kawan2 sekelas..Have a safe journey home...Jumpe lg pas cuti raye ni...Not forgotten "awak" selamat hari raya..maaf zahir batin...

Malam di dapur memasang pelita,

Penambah seri tika gerhana,

Salam dihulur ampun dipinta,
Aidilfitri pasti lebih bermakna,

semua terlukis di wajahku???

Sebenarnya aku tak bley nak mendefinisikan diri sendiri..lebey2 lg dari view orang len..tiap orang takkan sama...anyway thanx, pe yang di bgtaw teramat berguna...nampak ketara sangat ke dilema kat wajah aku??..semua yang aku lalui susah senang aku selama ni tertitip kat situ..bagus gak sebenarnya cam2..xperlu lagi nak terangkan kat sape2...die bley pham sendiri cam baca buku..haha...kalau la semudah 2...hidup manusia terlalu complexs..atau aku ni betul2 manusia subjektif..semua tertera kat situ senang dibca dan diteka..sumenya predictable..pe2 jer la xkisah..I appreciate sgt dgn advice akak kite bg,..tHanXz..:D..

kotak kaca hati...

Wish I could talk to someone right now..but it seem impossible..no matter how hard I wish, I know I can't do that..At this moment I try to keep my head..but I can't do that, everything seem going against my will..I'm really short on time..Soon everything going to end up the opposite way...I try to keep my calm but my body against my will...I keep myself busy doing everything that I never do before..I'm looking for answer but there are only questions...I'm looking for solutions but there more problems arise..It not suppose to be this way but I remain keep myself into trouble..Now I'm in big trouble and I jump into deep..I'm looking for help but I know no one cant help myself except me...I try to avoid tings but soon everything become more complicated..I'm seeking for strength to overcome my weakness..The greatest weakness of all...but the problems remain myself..My word seem meaningless, my silence made it worst..Worst than I can imagine..grant my wish please..I just want it over...I want get through...Let me escape..Let me free...Let me breath the way I used to be..Don't let me be "kotak kaca hati"...look cold outside but the heat were inside...I don't want end up like this and I don't deserve it...

hari ni 19 september...

Sebenarnya tak tahu nak buat ape malam ni...sambil tunggu kawan datang amik..malam ni bley sepak bola..dah lame tak main..terutama bulan2 pose ni...tadi sempat gak aku kemas alamari aku yang dah rupanya xnampak cam almari..terjumpa barang2 lama, ingatkan aku dah buang tapi still de lagi dalam simpanan aku..so aku kumpulkan semua & letak dalam kotak..rasanya lagi baik aku simpankan jer kat umah..sempat lagi aku baca kad2 yang awak tulis..rasa cam semalam jer kenal awak..puasa kali ni saya pernah bukak sorg2..kalau dulu tak pernah..sahur pun kalau de kesemapatan awak still masakkan untuk saya..even simple camne masakan awak saya hargai..yang saya tau awk buat ikhlas untuk saya,walau saya tak mintak still awk buatkan..saya rindu waktu kita bukak puasa sama2..tapi yang penting sekarang saya tau awk gembira, awak dapat pe yg saya tak mampu buat dan beri kat awak..saya tau silap saya tapi semua bukan kesalahan saya jer kan..tadi masa pergi beli makanan terserempak dengan awak..tapi saya buat tak tau jer..rasanya kalau saya tegur pun dah takde apa2 makna..bukan kita bermusuh dan berdendam..tapi keadaan tak sama..dan saya ambil masa terlalu lama nak terima semua ni..saya tak minta dimaafkan..cukup la kalau awak dapat penuhi impian awak..kenangan kita tak pernah saya buang..mungkin bila saya teringat dan rindukan semua 2 saya akan tengok balik semua yang pernah awk bagi pada saya...persaaan sayang jer tak cukup, perlu lebih dari tu untuk bahagiakan seseorang..itu yang saya belajar dari awak..

~Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume. ~
Jean de Boufflers

lately I......

I'm so happy on how things going on lately, I keep my head and calm...Guest nothing going tormenting my day...Its peaceful day to enjoy by myself and may be I can share it with my friends...Soon everything going back to normal and lately I start to enjoy my day...No more regret about what happen in the past...I'm finally changed and I find my strength...overcome my weakness, but still I'm not going to forget everything..for me there still something to remember...Even the bitter part, its still worth to remember...It was good experience I have...and luckily I still know how to smile... :)

this is my story...

After last night, that was really huge relief for me..Things going really smooth as I wish...For several months, things changed and I'm happy with how im progress...quite slow but still on the right track...last night I went back and cause I'm so tired I just fell to sleep..Feel like a long sleep and like I never experienced once...Such a relief all my burden and pain went away with that sleepiest night...I deserved it...cause this is my life...this is my story...

What I'm feel...

No one like being miserable...

"I were rather do nothing and be happy, than do something I don't love"

The long await moment

Feww... today was so tiring… still can’t escape from daily busy routine…sick sad little life but I still adore my life cause I’m the one coloring it...I’m not letting go every moments I had and there no one going take it away…Even when something you thing you missing but its still there…cause memories going be there everlasting…Whether it’s wrong or right there no one going stop you remembering what you created cause that the colorful of life...You used to fill it and color it…From empty canvas into masterpieces of your own…No one reluctant to leave what they created…Even say memories not value as money…Yes you are right, we can’t make without it…But think again, are you already start from one...no, everyone start from nothing…null…As you walk away in your life…don’t forget your past…where you came from…and what are you are made of today…are results from the past…everyone that used get along with you, from the beginning until the end of this journey,...even that time I’m not longer a young man…Older than today, wiser than before…Like this words I’m wrote, each words that represents my life journey…I’m going to fade away soon...but what I’m created today you will remember...even now you rather to forget but someday I’m sure there will be… something that remind you of me…Until this long await moment, keep moving…keep pushing cause we don’t know what waiting us onward,…Behold…cause I’m going to wait for this long await moment…and I’m sure that soon it’s going to be mine…

Im your worst enemy ever..Did I??

I used to be your best buddy..
but at the same time I can be your worst enemy..
really??
I used to be someone you love and respect utmost..
but now I used to be your worst nightmare and the person you hate most..
I used to be your playmate and your best friend..
but now I used to be your foe..
I used to be loved..
and I don't mind to be hate..
I used to be missed when I'm not around...
but now I'm ready to be forgotten..
I used to miss you..
I used to write our memories..
but I"m not used to write out what we created..
I don't mind sitting for hours waiting you..
and I don't mind chasing you in the pouring rain..
but I'm not used to be alone like this...
I'm not used to live like this..
but since you left..I must get used with everything you left..
I missed everything about you..
I used to see you smile..
I used to wipe your tears when you sad...
and now I had to get used with it...

miles of smiles

thousands reason for me to smile,
thousands reason for me not to cry...

betul2 takde mood nk wrote bila tau perkara yg sebenarnya..tapi still cuba perbetulkan keadaan selagi termampu..im not that bad..i confess everythin i did before was wrong..and i'm not stopping asking forgiveness from my creator..What should I do? What I'm feel right know??? :(

~desir angin mengusap dawai biola..~

desirmu halus,

gemercing,..nyaring..
halus tapi dingin menyerang..
menyentuh wajah yang tak tersembunyi dilemanya,..
gemersik iramamu membuai diriku,
bila desir angin mengusap dawai biola,
aku hidup kembali dalam kenanganku,
yang masih berbaki sisanya..
bila desir angin mengusap kembali,
bangkit aku tersedar..
aku sendiri di tirai mimpi yang sepi..
bila angin mengusap dawai biola..
buatku terkedu yang nawaitu belum mampu untuk gapai langitmu..
tingginya setebal impiku..
bila angin mengusap dawai biolaku..
bunyinya sayup..
sebelum lenyap ditelan sunyiku..

aRgHhhh....

Pagi tadi aku rasa cam nak balik umah jer..tensen sgt..test susah yang amat..tapi nak salahkan sape kalau bukan diri sendiri..ntah bila la nak sedar..aku pun tak tau..dah bape bulan berterusan camni dan paling aku tak suke masa nak test masa 2 la segala macam memori kembali dalam kepala otak aku yg agak dah mengecil kapsitinya..dah penuh dengan masalah yang aku tambah dan ciptakan sendiri..tapi takde orang lain nak disalahkan melainkan diri aku sendiri..aku betul2 nak balik umah..